Critical End!

Well folks, Avatar’s two-month long reign of terror at the top of the box office has come to a close.  As you may recall, Logan and I weren’t big fans of the film, so we’ve both been waiting for the arrival of the movie that would knock it down a peg.  I’m proud to announce that that movie is Dear John, and when I say proud, I mean deeply, deeply ashamed.

I haven’t seen Dear John, and because I never will, I read the plot synopsis.  After all, I had to know what manner of movie could dethrone the king.  If you’re planning on seeing it, but are waiting to catch Avatar one more time for comparison’s sake, be advised that SPOILERS follow.

Okay.  So apparently Channing Tatum, a soldier, and Amanda Seyfried, a girl, meet and fall in love.  Channing confides that his dad’s been distant ever since his mother left.  Naturally, this causes Amanda to suggest that, hey, maybe he’s autistic.  This pisses Channing off, so he goes back to war, but the two develop a deep emotional bond through letter-writing because if there’s one person who you always bond with, it’s the chick you hooked up with one summer that told you she thought your dad was autistic right after meeting him.

They’re in so much love it’s not even funny.  So naturally, Channing continually re-enlists in the army to make sure he’ll never have to come home and reveal to Amanda that he was actually born a woman.  Just kidding!  That would be interesting.  Eventually, Amanda realizes that there are other men in the world, some of whom she’s met upwards of three times.  Thus, she pens the titular Dear John letter. Channing assumes that Amanda’s going to marry her snooty rich friend from earlier in the film.  This sends him into a patriotic super-rage, causing him to take a dangerous mission where he gets shot, but not fatally, leading me to believe that this was a failed attempt to have something actually happen in this movie.

Upon returning home, he discovers that Amanda has in fact married her NON-rich friend with the autistic child, which, since his child is autistic, makes everything heartwarming and all right.  Channing says goodbye to his dying father, who manages to suddenly become important, then he sells his father’s coin collection to pay for an operation for Amanda’s husband, who, by the way, is totally dying.  Be warned!  A long distance relationship with Channing Tatum is so brutally unfulfilling, that it will drive you into the arms of your dying, non-rich platonic friend.  I repeat:  Three months of emotionally torturous hospital visits capped with a funeral is preferable to one letter from Channing Tatum.

So what I’m saying is this makes perfect sense.  The only movie that could have toppled Avatar was one that actually outmatched its meandering, maudlin, plotless mediocrity in every way.  Way to go Dear John!  I look forward to the remake next year.  And every year after that.  And all years previous as well.

Remember when we warned you about Chevy’s return as Clark Griswold via a Super Bowl ad for HomeAway?  Well, here’s a sneak peak at what we can expect:

GIVE ME BACK MY SON!/DAUGHTER!/WIFE!  REVIEWED: Edge of Darkness.  PLUS: A quick tour through Mel Gibson’s filmography.

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The Oscar nominations were announced today with no big surprises.  Personally, I’m glad to see District 9 up for a few awards, although Sharlto Copley really deserved a best actor nom as well…but what do I know?  If it were up to me, Chevy Chase would still be hosting and any Oscars that Quentin Tarantino won would be given to estate of Sergio Leone. 

The real news here is that your good pals Logan and Ryan will once again be giving the Oscars the ol’ CE! live blog treatment!  Some of you older fans may recall that we had a blast doing this last year.  Keep an eye on the site for handy reminders as Oscar season continues.  The Oscars will air on March 7.

Nominees for the 82nd Academy Awards. 

Sources cannot confirm an appearance by Baby Rowlf in the upcoming film. However, I can personally confirm that he is adorable.

Just when I was beginning to get worried that we hadn’t heard anything about it for a while, The Cheapest Muppet Movie Ever Made! has landed a director.

James Bobin, co-creator of The Flight of the Conchords, and writer/director of some of its best episodes, has officially signed on to shepherd the Muppets’ theatrical comeback.  And he turned down a Judd Apatow movie to do it, which somehow makes me believe he’s got the right attitude to pull this off.

I think a member of the Conchords brain-trust is just the choice for the Muppets.  Both are smart, silly, a little off-kilter, and share a penchant for musical comedy.  Plus Bobin’s a Brit, and the best Muppet stuff was produced in the U.K.  And hey, maybe this means we’ll get a cameo by Albi the Racist Dragon!

So we’ve got a funny British director, a script co-written by Muppet fan Jason Segel, and a cast of veteran puppeteers.  If Disney can manage to not completely mishandle the marketing, this project may pump some much needed life back into the Muppets’ legacy.

Muppet Central News – James Bobin to direct Muppets new theatrical movie

What were James Cameron’s true goals as he toiled away for ten years in his basement, developing the technology that would one day make us fall in love with Panthro and Cheetara’s love children?  Sure, he wanted to make strides in CG and 3D immersion, but could he also have been plotting to create a movie that would be exciting enough…TO KILL?!

Probably not.  But much like the foolish military that funded Skynet, Cameron has become complicit in the death of a (presumably) kindly old Taiwanese man who, doctors say, was so fucking blown away by the film that he had a brain hemorrhage and later died.  Science hasn’t yet advanced far enough to provide a record of his final thoughts.  But my guess is he died just as he was thinking “Wait, this is basically Dance with FernGully–ERK!”

Of course there was one thing FernGully had that Avatar was missing:

Man Dies After Watching Avatar | /Film

It’s a slow news day here around the Critical End! offices.  Sure, there are a few things of interest (the final two Harry Potter films will be in 3D, even the director of Saw VII doesn’t want to make a Saw VII, and Avatar has become the number one film of all time), but not much to write home about.

That being said, we’re proud to introduce a new feature: Birthday wishes!  Today’s birthday wish goes out to one of my favorite contemporary directors, Frank Darabont.  You may recall him as the Oscar nominated writer/director of such crowd favorites as The Shawshank Redemption and The Green Mile.  He then went on to piss everybody off with a depressing little horror film called The Mist.  Chances are you never saw it, because horror films (and films starring Thomas Jane) never get any sort of Oscar buzz.  Shame on you.  

I’ve attached a clip of the birthday boy talking about the original theatrical cut of Blade Runner.  It’s a minute and a half, and if you didn’t catch it on the Blade Runner DVD, it’s very funny and worth a look.

Have a favorite Frankie film or moment?  Share below on the all new “Critical End! Birthday Wall of Coolness!” (which looks amazingly like our standard comment section).  Mr. Darabont is 51 today.

Cars is easily my least favorite Pixar film to date.  Not only was it completely lacking all of the elements that usually set Pixar films apart from generic kids crap like G-Force or anything Dreamworks animation has done in the past 10 years, but it even seemed like Pixar was dumbing itself down to reach the type of audience who think that Larry the Cable Guy is the height of comedy.  (Oh yeah, and I had this whole other issue about a world where even the bugs are small cars with wings.  I mean, who made the cars?  How do they mate?  I don’t think anybody thought about this stuff except me.)

All of that being said, Pixar announced Cars 2 a few years back.  Yesterday Disney released their annual report which featured the first concept art from the soon to be Oscar winning sequel.  Check it out:

Yes, it would appear that the cast of Cars is going to Japan.  I assume Lightning McQueen and his pal (sigh) Tow Mater will expierence enough culture clash to rival that of Rush Hour 3.  Oh, and did I mention that it’s going to be in 3D?

Cars 2 crashes into theaters later this year.

[via CHUD]

You're gonna to make it after all!

Bruce Campbell has announced that he will star in a follow-up to My Name is Bruce, in which he played a comically exaggerated self-deprecating version of himself that saves a small town from a demon.  In the sequel, Bruce Vs. Frankenstein, he’ll wind up in Europe where he, presumably, will save a small European town from a mad scientist and his monstrous creation.  I’m not sure what got Campbell going on this, but if he wants to remake the rest of Abbott and Costello’s oeuvre while he’s at it (Bruce Campbell Chainsaws the Mummy, Bruce Campbell Wrestles the Invisible Man, The Wistful She-Bitch of Wagon Gap, etc.), I’m completely on board.

Honestly, though, My Name is Bruce wasn’t all that hot.  It was hokey, like a lot of Campbell’s work, but it lacked the Sam Raimi execution that makes that kind of thing work.  And Ted Raimi turned in four performances that made me realize why Sam usually limits him to cameos.  Here’s hoping they pull it off a bit better this time.

[via /Film]