Over the next few weeks, we’ll be working to update all of our internal links with the dash-less address, though the hyphenated versions will continue to work for the time being.  And don’t worry about the podcast feed, it won’t be affected.

To celebrate, I wanted to embed whatever came up first on a YouTube search for “new url”, which just so happens to be an awesome video of this retro rock-a-billy band called The Baseballs.  For some reason, they’ve disabled embedding, but the video’s so damn awesome I’m linking them anyway.

On the newest episode, I chat about the whole Nightmare series with Arnie and Adal Rifai (who luckily remembered a lot more about the goofy, convoluted details than I did.)

Check it (and all the other great episodes) out on iTunes or listen right here by clicking play below.

This has nothing to do with anything, except that I found it while searching for "late".

Hang tight, kids!  Our 50th episode spectacular is shaping up to be so spectacular that it’s going to take a bit more time to complete than we thought.  You’ll have it hot from the oven, same time next week at the latest.

To thank you for your patience, we’ve decided to give you something to listen to in the meantime.  All 15 episodes of PodCorn, our little-heard first podcast series, unaltered and with original flavor text in tact.

Sure, the reviews are old, but this show never came out on time anyway.  They’re from a simpler time (before editing), so be gentle.  But, they may serve you well if you’re jonesing for your weekly fix of whatever-the-hell.

PodCorn Episode #01 – “The Three Faces of Kong”
Feb. 3, 2006 – Logan and Ryan review Peter Jackson’s “King Kong” remake as well as the 1933 original and the cheesy 70′s version. Plus the Top 10 Animal Love Movies.

PodCorn Episode #02 – “Breast Side Gory”
Feb. 13, 2006 – Logan and Ryan try not to spoil the great ending of the Eli Roth gore-fest Hostel and the crappy ending of french thriller High Tension, plus an Oscar roundup.

PodCorn Episode #03 – “These are a Few of Our Favorite Things”
Feb. 20, 2006 – The guys practically beg you to give the horror-comedy Undead a chance, then reveal some of their all time favorite films.

PodCorn Episode #04 – “Death Takes a Holiday “
Feb. 27, 2006 – The Grim Reaper drops the ball again in the third installment of the Final Destination series. Logan and Ryan review all three for you, then chat about their favorite uses of product placement in film. PLUS: A free contest that YOU can win!

PodCorn Episode #05 – “My Favorite Martin “
Mar. 3, 2006 – From The Jerk to Cheaper by the Dozen 2, Logan and Ryan review the best and worst of Steve Martin’s catalog in preperation for his turn as the new Inspector Clouseau in The Pink Panther. PLUS: The contest deadline gets extended. Enter now!

PodCorn Episode #06 – “Pity in Pink “
Mar. 12, 2006 – Peter Sellers rolls in his grave and Blake Edwards rolls his wheelchair into traffic as Steve Martin desecrates their memories in The Pink Panther remake. Expect another tirade on the depressing state of modern comedy. Clive Owen somehow works his way in as well. Also, the contest winner is announced! Is it you? Yes!* (*No.)

PodCorn Episode #07 – “Sorry, Wrong Number”
Mar. 20, 2006 – Hollywood takes an obscure suspense movie from the 70′s and remakes the first 20 minutes of it in When a Stranger Calls. Hear the boys complain about this, Isaac Hayes leaving South Park, and more.

PodCorn Episode #08 – “Wild Wild Wes”
Mar. 26, 2006 – Randy Quaid challenges Ang Lee to a duel, Logan and Ryan read some awkward viewer mail, and Wes Craven just can’t seem to make a good movie. All this and a new catchphrase. Tally ho!

PodCorn Episode #09 – “The Hills are Alive “
Apr. 3, 2006 – The boys compare Wes Craven’s break out 1977 film The Hills Have Eyes with its 2006 remake by the guy who did High Tension. Plus a nice chat about Nothing.

PodCorn Episode #10 – “Silent Hill, Deadly Hill”
Apr. 22, 2006 – It’s our 10th episode (finally) and Logan and Ryan celebrate by actually disagreeing on a movie! Plus a flippant look at Inside Man and the harrowing tale of our “lost episode”.

PodCorn Episode #11 – “Shawn and Marlon’s Bogus Franchise”
May 5, 2006 – The Scary Movie films prove to be just that when the boys force their way through this failure of a comedy series. Sure makes us miss David Zucker…oh wait…

PodCorn Episode #12 – “Spies Like Us “
May 19, 2006 – Tom Cruise might be crazier than an outhouse rat, but he can still turn out a decent spy film now and again, as the PodCorn crew finds out when they put the Mission: Impossible trilogy to the test. Unfortunately, one of these things is not like the others.

PodCorn Episode #13 – “Das Upside Down Boot”
May 26, 2006 – Logan and Ryan wade through Hollywood’s three adaptations of The Poseidon Adventure while trying to stay afloat. Lots of nautical puns, plus the secret identity of “The Guter” revealed!

PodCorn Episode #14 – “Battle of the Sixes “
Jun 14, 2006 – PodCorn goes on temporary hiatus, but fear not, Logan and Ryan will return in THUNDERBALL. Until then, they leave you with their biggest retrospective yet, all five Omen films. See you soon!

PodCorn Episode #15 – “My (Least?) Favorite Year”
Jan 29, 2007 – PodCorn makes its triumphant return in a massive round up of every movie we saw in 2006 including our best and worst lists. What will 2007 hold? Hopefully some good flicks and a come-back for Guter!

Until then, make your last-minute Oscar pool picks and enjoy the ludicrous eyewear of Steve Martin.

The way it works is simple. When you sit down to watch the awards, make sure you’ve got your laptop (or mobile device!) tuned to this site where you’ll find running commentary by me and Logan for the entirety of the broadcast. Check out the snazzy replay of last year’s event to get the idea.

Don’t have someone to enjoy the show with? Join us and post your comments! (Comment posting should work a lot smoother this year.) Do have someone to enjoy the show with? Ignore them and hang out with us instead.

Want to be reminded when the live blog gets close? Use the handy form below. Love rhetorical questions? So do we!

"I have to go. My planet needs me."

Not too long ago, Alec Baldwin mentioned in an interview that he was retiring from acting. His exact words were:

“I consider my entire movie career a complete failure. The goal of movie-making is to star in a film where your performance drives the film, and the film is either a soaring critical or commercial success, and I never had that.”

Could this really be true? Not about the retirement, I predict he’ll pull a Dan Aykroyd in no time. I mean could Baldwin be right about his career? The guy’s been a name forever; certainly he must have turned in at least one outstanding performance.

Well, we’re going to find out in a new Critical End! feature that Logan and I are calling Home School. A Home School will be a series of posts that takes a chronological look at a group of related films. This could be a bunch of sequels like the Friday the 13th films, or the catalog of a particular actor or director. By the end, we’ll have taken an interesting little journey, obtained some perspective on the subject matter, and likely filled in some gaps in our cinematic education. All from the comfort of our couches (hence “Home School”). This inaugural installment will explore the entirety of Alec Baldwin’s catalog in an attempt to test the actor’s own hypothesis that he’s never done anything worthwhile. Join us, won’t you?

Alec Baldwin Home School: Forever, Lulu (1987)
Not to be confused with the Melanie Griffith/Patrick Swayze movie of the same name, Forever, Lulu (AKA Crazy Streets) is the 1987 comedy that marks the feature film debut of one Alec Baldwin. According to IMDb, he’d been floating around TV since 1980, most notably on Knots Landing. But since that season isn’t on DVD yet, we’re going to keep things simple and start here. Joining Alec is Debbie Harry of Blondie fame, and Hanna Schygulla, who I’d never heard of, but is apparently an incredibly well known German actress. See? We’re learning things already.

The Film
Schygulla stars as Elaine, a wannabe author living in New York. Her sleazy manager won’t publish her novel because it’s not sexy enough, but she refuses to compromise her artistic vision, even though she’s down to her last nickel. She’s so destitute that she ends up taking a job writing the script for a porn movie just to make ends meet. Not a bad premise for a late 80s comedy. Except that’s apparently not the premise.

I guess she finishes the porn script off-camera, because it’s barely mentioned again. Instead, we get scene after scene of Elaine’s miserable existence. She sulks in her shitty apartment, gets grifted by a con artist, and complains about her love life to her annoying gal-pal sidekick who is NOT Debbie Harry. Occasionally, Debbie shows up in the periphery to stare knowingly and say absolutely nothing. It’s as if she’s in the talky introduction of a music video and she’s waiting for her cue to break into song.

Finally, more than 20 minutes in (and not a Baldwin in sight), Elaine grabs a gun and prepares to blow her brains out. Unfortunately, she’s interrupted by a phone call to go on a blind date. She agrees, but the date goes so poorly that she ends up running into the street, waving her gun in the air, and yelling about her crappy life. An approaching couple mistakenly thinks she’s mugging them, so they give her their coats and run. In the pockets, she finds a picture of Debbie Harry signed “Forever, Lulu” and a mysterious address.  Now, the story begins!

There is no visual record of "Buck", so enjoy this picture of a young Baldwin posing for Young and Hairy Quarterly.

Well, kind of. First we get several more boring scenes of Elaine whining indecisively and parading around in her stolen mink coat. Some goon recognizes the coat (I think?) and tries to mug her, but she’s rescued handily by Buck, a strapping NYC cop portrayed by, you guessed it, Alec Baldwin. We’re 28 minutes in, but our hero has finally arrived to awkwardly hit on Elaine, get rejected, and then disappear again for most of the film.

Then a bunch of other crap happens. She goes to the address, witnesses a murder, and ends up stealing a briefcase full of money from the mob. So the mob’s looking for her and she’s got to decide what to do with the cash. It’s been like 45 minutes at this point, and I THINK this is now supposed to be the real premise of the film. Except all she does is sit around and brood some more before deciding to turn the case over to the cops.

Yep, no wacky Blank Check style spending spree, she just comes clean about the whole thing. But, she’s able to turn her story into a best-selling book! Now a famous author, she hobnobs with the rich and famous in another series of long, uneventful scenes. Meanwhile, gangsters halfheartedly try to kill her, and Debbie Harry continues to drop in to stand around silently. There’s also some oddly casual nudity from Schygulla, and an appearance by Wayne Knight as a shoe-licker in a fetish club. None of this actually advances the plot.

At about an hour and 15 minutes, the mobsters finally manage to capture Elaine and…I guess demand an apology? It’s pretty damn unclear what they actually want since she already told the police everything and doesn’t have the money anymore. Anyway, they’re about to kill her when Officer Baldwin makes his triumphant return and saves the day. In the process, the picture of Debbie Harry is splashed by some clearly-labeled Paul Newman salad dressing, which reveals a secret message!

The photo actually concealed the names of the city’s biggest drug dealers. Alec instantly recognizes the names, leading me to wonder why a list of already-known drug dealers would be at all valuable. At any rate, with the three thugs dead, clearly nobody will every bother Elaine again, so she and Alec celebrate by getting it on in the back of a dirty mob-owned fish market. In the last scene, Elaine finally runs into Debbie Harry, recognizes her as Lulu, kinda shrugs at the coincidence, and walks away.

Reaction
Obviously, Alec Baldwin wasn’t yet a star, so I wasn’t that shocked that he plays a glorified bit part. But I gotta tell you, for a film with the tagline “Two outrageous women are turning New York City upside-down!” I expected a story with at least two women. Take a look at the DVD cover again. It’s a production shot from that final scene, the only notable time Debbie Harry actually interacts with Hanna Schygulla. If all those wistful glances were supposed to be significant enough to elevate Harry to co-star status, I guess that significance was lost on me. And I don’t buy that the best friend is the other woman either, as she’s mostly an afterthought.

Anyway, no one was expecting the first film in Baldwin’s catalog to validate his career, and it certainly doesn’t, but he escapes mostly unscathed. In a movie that manages to feel interminable at 85 minutes, Baldwin’s scenes are a welcome relief. This is partly because he has the good fortune of being in the few scenes that actually shove the plot forward. But it’s also due to Baldwin’s undeniable likability, a theme I’m pretty sure we’ll see repeated as we continue our voyage up his IMDb page. His performance is hammy and one-dimensional here, but you just can’t help enjoying it at least a little.

So that’s our first Home School. I promise they won’t all be so long. Next time, we’ll take a look at She’s Having a Baby, which provides a bigger role for Baldwin and a bit more opportunity for critique.

Final Stats
Movie Rating: 4 out of 10 stars  4 out of 10
Baldwin Rating: 5 out of 10 stars  5 out of 10
Biggest Takeaway: Hanna Schygulla is difficult to watch when clothed. Further study needed.
Quote for Your Facebook Status: “Have you ever made love to an older woman in a fish store?”

Check it (and all the other great episodes) out on iTunes or play it below.

Check it out on iTunes or just play it below.

On a semi-related note, you’ll notice that the theater was advertising this week’s live Rifftrax event. Three MST3K alumni goofing on Plan 9 From Outer Space, broadcast simultaneously to theaters across the country. We’re living in the not too distant future, kids.

This is Magical Mystery Tour, the weirdest of the Beatles’ movies. Directed mostly by a very high Paul McCartney if I recall my lore correctly. I bring this up because this film has the distinction of being the oldest thing on my Amazon wishlist.

I know this because Amazon now puts a little note next to each item on your list saying how long it’s been there. I’m not sure if that’s supposed to provide some kind of service to your gift-buying friends or if it’s just a novelty, but it did reveal to me that I have wanted Magical Mystery Tour on DVD for nine years. I was unaware I’d even had an Amazon wishlist for that long.

Of course, I do have a job. If I wanted Magical Mystery Tour so badly I would go buy it. Yes, it’s out of print (in fact I believe it actually went back into print and then back out of print during these last nine years), but I’m sure I could track a copy down. The thing is I don’t really want it that much. I’m just a Beatles completist and feel like I should have it.

This caused me to realize that there are a TON of other items on my notoriously long list that fit the same bill. The book version of “The Princess Bride”? Four years on the list. What’s Up, Tiger Lily? Added five years ago. Evil Dead: Hail to the King for the original PlayStation? Six year veteran of the list. I do not even own an original PlayStation anymore. but I marked it high priority, so you know I’m serious.

Am I alone in my greed or do you guys also have long-desired purchases that you’ll never get around to making?

God Bless America

As you’ve probably noticed, we’ve been a few weeks behind the times podcast-wise, lately. To celebrate Memorial Day, we’re getting our act together and finally opening the vault on unreleased episodes revealing our shocking thoughts on the Crank series, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, and Star Trek. Plus a special show on our five best and worst remakes.

So catch up along with us and we’ll all be on the same page come Tuesday for the big Terminator retrospective. Or else Uncle Sam’s gonna getcha.

What I should have said:

Hey, kids! The Informers looks like it’s going to be completely awesome!  And you know what?  It’s going to be in theaters April 24th, which is less than a month away!  I read some rumor online about it going straight to DVD.  Luckily, I was smart enough to fact check a few things first before I ran that unbelievable story.  How dumb would it be if I didn’t take the time to do that, huh?  Blah blah blah I’m Logan and I like movies blah blah blah…

Senator Distribution was also kind enough to send over some great EPK material, including clips and stills from the movie.  In the days leading up to the release, I’ll make sure and throw some of that up as a teaser to try and get more of you into the theater seats.  Until then, here is what you need to know:

1. None of that straight to DVD nonsense.  It’ll be in theaters April 24th.
2. I can not apologize enough for the mistake.
3. According to a great website I just found, Big Foot is being held in a military prison base outside of Dalton, GA.  Release the Foot!

Yeah, I blog on a typewriter. Got a problem with that?

Dear Diary,

It started off just like any other day: After crying myself to sleep, I woke up this morning feeling refreshed and quickly started off to work.

I arrived at the office slightly late (I had to return home at one point to put on some pants), but took the back stairs anyway to avoid Tina, the receptionist, as I still haven’t returned her calls. Unfortunately, I ran into my supervisor, Steve, who yelled at me for constantly being late. Luckily, I know just how to deal with Steve.

“Shove it up your butt, motorcycle man!” I yelled at him before locking myself in my office and throwing a file cabinet in front of the door. Yup, it looked like I had another splendid day of solitaire and match.com in store for me!

However, as I sat at my desk, a strange feeling came over me, and I had to stop and think (see picture). What was that feeling? At first I thought that it might be a small newt of some sort that crawled into my ear and laid eggs on my frontal lobe, but then I remembered what my psychiatrist said about how unlikely that was to happen. Hmmm…oh! I know! Critical End! Diary, you won’t believe some of the amazing things that have happened over the past month at critical-end.com! It’s totally righteous!

First off, the highly awesome folks over at Chattarati.com said some great things about us. They compared us to other film critics, saying that we are “certainly way more funny” (actual quote) and even “completely squeezable” (I made that one up). It was very overwhelming. Thanks guys!

Also, we finally launched our About page! Not only are there some frequently asked questions about our site listed there, but also a nifty way to check out our complete IMDB ratings and even fan us on Netflix. It’s all incredibly, for lack of a better word, sexellent.

Well, diary, that’s about it. I’ll make sure to write in you again before the big sock hop rolls around. I do hope that Laura asks me out. She’s ever so dreamy!

Have a bitchin’ summer,

logan